You know someone's from an alternate world when:
This list is compiled from soc.history.what-if newsgroup over a span of about a week.
- He remembers that there's never been a scandal when there's a Republican in the White House.
- He remembers that there's never been a scandal when there's a Democrat in the White House.
- He knows that the American Civil War had nothing to do with slavery.
- He knows that the American Revolution was about trade and property rights, and not becoming independent from England.
- He remembers that $25 bills were the norm, and what are these $20 things?
- He asks, "Who's O.J.?"
- He says, "If only the North would have won the Civil War, we could've won the Great Eurasian war."
- He wishes that Christmas wasn't such an austerely religious holy day, that they would lighten up -maybe exchange gifts and have a party to brighten up the cold dark winter day.
- He goes into a state of shock every time he sees a map. "What the hell is Pennsylvania? What happened to the Appalachian Republic? Where's the Floridian Empire?"
- He wants to know why such obscure historic figures are pictured on all of our currency.
- You mention the O.J. trial and she says: "They finally caught Anita Bryant?"
- You mention Watergate, and he says: "What about the hotel? Nothing ever happens there. Well, the Democrats had their HQ there once, but the place got burgled a couple of times..."
- He asks why so many men are wearing little strips of coloured cloth around their necks, and what they are being punished for.
- They wonder how people make their own caves from scratch.
- They are curious as to how people got to pick their own job instead of having one assigned at birth.
- They are astounded that we still use fossil fuel.
- They are upset that not only you actually have to pay for medical care, but you have to leave your house to get it. "Where's your autodoc??"
- They shake their heads and giggle because your personal computer doesn't fit on your wrist nor can you talk to it.
- They say: "Why is everyone posting in English? Are they trying to respect minority rights or what?"
- He wants to know what's happened to the Union Jack in the North American flag.
- He asks where all the swastika banners have gone
- They ask you if you think Michael Jordan should have been paid $10 million a year by the Brooklyn Dodgers, considering that he might hurt himself playing his "hobby," basketball, between the World Series and spring training. They wonder if you'll ever see a season as great as Jordan's 1993, when he hit .415 and led the Cubs to their 3rd straight World Series title.
- He watches Ken Burns' Civil War with you and after it's over asks "What an imagination! Where did he think up all that stuff? How did he get those photographs to look so realistic?"
- They ask you where the nearest Omnivac Substation is.
- She wonders why Susan B Anthony is no longer on the $1 bill.
- "Regis who?"
- When asked about his opinion about Adolf Hitler, he says that he's never really been into art.
- He asks if you think that Johnny Carson is getting a little old to keep hosting the Tonight Show.
- "Heinlein? Oh you mean the Admiral!"
- The confused tourist in Washington DC asks, "Which way to the Nixon Memorial?"
- [From the Guest Book "Don't you mean Chicago? Lee City (nee Washington) has been part of Maryland since the end of the War a century ago."]
- The man behind the ice cream counter asks "What flavor?" and she replies "Curry!"
- He orders a coke at McDonald's, and then complains that all he got was a carbonated beverage.
- She points at an airliner and asks, "Why do they have those silly 'wing'-thingies sticking out their sides?"
- He tries to score tickets to the next Beatles concert.
- She thinks "Sliders" is a documentary.
- They wonder where all the Tuckers have gone, or why you have to plug things into the wall for electricity.
- When they say they are not surprised that Clinton is president, but they wonder why he is not in a wheelchair since he lost both legs in Vietnam.
- [N.B.- It should be noted that President Clinton has the latest in artificial leg technology from MicroSoft - the bio-medical firm located in Redmond WA. Started up by Dr Robert Dole from a small shop in Russell, Kansas. Dr. Dole was a candidate for Surgeon General several years ago but lost it after GOP Senate Leader Rodham blackballed his nomination]
- He ask where the Zeppelin port is.
- He calls Luddendorf and Hindenburg the greatest strategic geniuses of all time
- When you stop for gas ,he asks if your car uses hydrogen or methane.
- He can't figure out what those little plastic cards we carry around are good for.
- They say it was the North, not the South, that had slavery.
- They get really angry that the city of Washington is named after an unsuccessful revolutionary from 200 years ago.
- They stop you on a New York street corner and ask which station for trains to Cornwallis.
- They're sick of hearing about the upcoming reunion tour by The Doors. "Jeeze, I wish that Morrison fellah would just die."
- They complain because the oldies station never plays enough of the good old Christian rockers: Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Swaggart
- They go completely ecstatic about finding a three leaf clover. "They bring good luck, ya know?"
- While listening to a lecturer speak on the Reagan Years, he nods and comments "Yeah, she did a lot of good for the country."
- When Playboy does a spread featuring vintage Marilyn Monroe pictures, they start complaining because "they were taken when the Senator was still young!"
- When someone makes a snide comment about Jack Kennedy sleeping with Marilyn Monroe he says "Of COURSE he'd sleep with his wife!"
- When someone else makes a snide comment about Jack Kennedy sleeping with Marilyn Monroe he complains "The Archbishop would NEVER do anything of the sort! You ought to be ashamed."
- When you say "Is the Pope Catholic?" to a question, they look at you funny and say "Ummm... no."
- When they attend the Detroit Auto Show they start screaming, "Whaddaya mean the cars only travel on the ground?"
- You mention Nancy Kerrigan giving birth and they wonder if she'll be in shape to rejoin the Bruins come playoff time.
- They see a map of the world and say.. 'Since when has New Holland been known as "Australia" ??'
- They think John Hewson was an Australian Prime Minister who introduced much needed economic reforms.....
- They only know of Margaret Thatcher because she won a Nobel Prize for Chemistry.
- They say: "Thomas Dewey, not only was he a great crime fighter, the man was a damn fine President"
- They say: "Bill Gates? he really lost his chance when he failed to get the contract to produce the Operating System for the first IBM Personal Computer"
- They complain about representational fiction not getting as much respect as science fiction and fantasy.
- You mention the Civil War and they look puzzled before saying "Wasn't that some 30 day scandal back in the 1860's or was it the 1870's? Sorry I was never very good at remembering all those minor details in history class."
- It takes him a while to understand that he's not in Englishtown, and that Chinese isn't the official language.
- He looks at a mouse and keyboard attached to a computer and quips "How quaint!"
- He blurts out "Petrochemicals! You burn crude oil in your vehicles rather than clean hydrogen?"
- He wanders about Central Park, in his Mayan Finery, muttering something about "Finding the sacrifice to Cinteotl. All ready to pierce my genitals and give blood to the great God."
- Examines your computer and remarks, "So where is the light source for the magic lantern display, and you can't possibly make me believe that you can run sufficient steam through that tiny cord to run your analytical engine."
- They look at your TV set and say, "Hey, mechanical television has certainly come a long way over here!
- They look at your computer's specs and say, "Hey, you must have MILES of liquid mercury tubes in that box to get that kind of memory!"
- They say, "Karl Marx? Oh, yeah, wrote all those dirty novels ..."
- They say, "Miami? Inhabitable? What'd you do, figure out a way to make air cold without ice?"
- They remark how good LeAnn Rimes looks after coming out of Betty Ford.
- Looking around DC, they ask for directions to the Royal Palace.
- They ask, "Since when did the NHL expand into Canada?"
- They stand at attention, hat over their heart, when they hear "Louie Louie" being played.
- They ask if the CSA still requires a tourist visa.
- They complain about the political situation by saying, "This wouldn't be going on if Le May were still President."
- They remember the Carter years fondly.
- They ask you to donate to the Southern Zoroastrian Leadership Committee.
- They hand you a Hallmark (tm) "Happy Mithras' Day" card.
- They talk about the drought in Seattle.
- They ask "Where is the Airship Terminus? I was to catch the 4 O'clock airship to Spokane."
- They ask "Hail Citizen! Do you know the location of the CLVII Legion barracks? I lost my Century, and need to make ammends with my commander."
- They ask "What the devil is that thing?! It's a what? Auto-Mo-Bile? Never heard of such a thing. What use is it?"
- They read a Eurosceptic article in a British newspaper, they blanche and say "But surely this is treasonous against Emperor Otto and the Holy Roman Empire?"
- They get annoyed because they can only find phone numbers for provincial government departments in the London phone book. Where are the listings for the local offices of EuroFed?
- You tell them where the restroom is, and they look at you incredulously and exclaim, "You mean it's INSIDE the building?!?"
- They ask you, "My car's making a weird noise - who's the local Studebaker dealer here?"
- They scold you when they see your Kathy Ireland poster; "Imagine making fake pictures of the President like that!"
- You make a joke about Boris Yeltsin, and they look around nervously and whisper "Not so loud, comrade - his operatives might hear you!"
- You introduce them to your spouse, and they ask, "So, its just the one for now, huh?"
- They say that the Shadow War aginst GrossDeutchland was a mistake because the flaws inherent in National Socialism would have brought it down anyway.
- They have got a criminal record for possesion of tobaco.
- There Father lost his job in 1932 and had to live in a Rooseveltville for a year.
- They start to scream if you drive them through a green light.
- They can't work out why screw-top jars and bottles open the wrong way
- They speak with forked tongue (and you can see the fork)
- They think that "Prisoner Cell Block H" is the height of dramatic art
- They want to borrow your video of "The Watchmen"
- They say "OK, no Watchmen; can I borrow 'Apollo 14' instead?"
- They are surprised when the video you lend them isn't Betamax
- They are surprised that the supermarket doesn't have frozen dormice or passenger pigeon
- Their first words to you are, "Tu non parlis esperanto???"
- They ask you why you have all your clothes on backwards.
- You encountre them on the street corner and they ask you what's holding up the Soma Man.
- Reading about Pat Buchanan, they say "Reminds me of that british maverick, what was his name? Ah, yes, Churchill. He'll have his Norway debate too, mark my words."
- They see a US map and ask why the state of Canada is excluded, and ask why Arnold is still named Quebec.
- When they ask you for a copy of Symphony #3 for Violin Quartet by Einstein
- They tell you the country wouldn't be in such good shape if it weren't for President Capone's crackdown on crime during the 30s
- A numismatist, he is proud of his collection: "I have a US dollar bill from every time when the paper money design was changed to add the words `In God We Trust' in the official language of yet another state that had joined the Union!"
- When asked about the War on Drugs he replies: "But of course it was won! The British had to stop importing opium into China after 1842."
- He says it's refreshing to travel around the world without hearing everybody yakking in Esperanto all the time.
- He is standing in a swimsuit and towel at a spot 10 feet above sea level and 20 miles from the shore, saying "I coulda SWORN my beach cottage was right here... sure is cold for February ain't it?"
- She shoots at a Volkswagen because it must belong to a stray member of the German People's Republic invasion force.
- She complains that there are a LOT of misprints in all the reference books in the library.
- He walks up to an anti-nuclear protest and starts arguing based on the blast effects in the Indo-Chinese War.
- He asks, "Where are all the PRO-nuclear protestors?"
- He almost wishes that the Italians would withdraw their occupation forces from the rest of Europe, but at least the troops' presence helps discourage Italy from using The Corkscrew.
- She spells it "altuurnut wurld."
- She knows letters of the alphabet you've never heard of.
- She runs a thriving import-export business selling Arabian wines and brandies.
- She says the most annoying thing about visiting England is having to speak French all the time.
- He sees a Brazilian flag in downtown New York and says, "Salute, you fool! Do you want to get killed?!"
- His play money is unusually realistic and detailed.
- He insists on paying for all his purchases with pure silver and gold "noogies."
- When you call some jerk a turkey, she says, "Well, it IS the national bird of the United States."
- He remembers that the American Revolution was a popular struggle to become part of the British Empire. "If only it had succeeded!"
- He was raised an average white in the United States and he can speak a foreign language fluently. "What, can't everyone?" Also he understands foreign cultures.
- He asks why anyone would name a luxury car after an obscure yankee presidential candidate.
Contributors include: Dan Goodman, Kedamono, Norman L. DeForest, Mike Ralls, Kim Malo, Caius Marcius, Richard Treitel, Bob La Force, Mister Skin, Mike Gannis, Robert Sneddon, Nancy Lebovitz, John Moreno, Bernard Doyle, Pyotr Filipivich, Joe Larkin, Veg ard Valberg, Justin Cobb, Mike Gannis, Alan Lothian, Tom Restivo, Doug Fowler, chn@azstarnet.com, rmay@ticz.com, Vladimir Menkov, Marty Busse, Marcus L. Rowland, Daniel "Da" von Brighoff, Mike Ralls, Roy Stilling, S O'Neill, TomR@Fred.Net, Adrian Chadwick and Chris Blakeley
Last Updated: 27 Nov 97
Submissions are always welcome. E-mail them to blakeley@acm.msu.edu
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